Saturday, December 17, 2011

A Scotch Soaked Extra For You

This is something of a more personal blog post than I think this place is accustomed to, but I feel like writing it, so I'm going to write it. That's what this site is for, any and all DnD/hobby related stuff I feel like talking about. If it is oversharing, I apologize for making any readers uncomfortable. It is also kind of about my divorce.

In the latter stages of my marriage, I began talking to Heather a lot more about DnD than nerds usually do to their significant others. She is in a large part responsible for the current campaign set in Hekinoe and helped me flesh out a good chunk of the details and plot. I was excited by this ability to share this aspect of my life with her, I felt like we were really connecting and it meant our marriage was solid and she truly accepted me for who I am. I felt like she got me and didn't just tolerate my nerdiness, but accepted it and reveled in the joy it brought to me.

Boy was I fucking wrong.

I later found out that she despised talking to me about DnD. Hated it with a passion and thought it signaled the end of our union. I learned that she barely tolerated DnD to begin with. I learned that she didn't give two shits about how much joy DnD brought me, didn't revel in my nerdiness, merely tolerated it all with silent contempt and vague irritation. I thought I was exposing the very core of me to her, she thought I was just a nerd and was shutting her out and only talking to her about the most boring and uninteresting aspects of my life.

I think the problem was that Heather, and a lot of people, just assume that I am some nutty obsessive nerd, or that I am addicted to dice rolls and world building. Don't get me wrong, this is true, but DnD is a lot more than that to me. I mean, my relationship to this game is very odd and weird and different and obsessive, but it kind of defines me as a person. Weird to say that this childish hobby of imagination and dice and monsters defines who and what I am.

When I build a world for DnD, or write a story of any kind, I build it out of me. When the players walk across The Known World they are literally and figuratively traversing the landscape of my personality. I am a part of my campaign world and it is a part of me. I built it out of the meat of my psyche. It is how I play DnD, it has always been the way I've played DnD. I don't play what I think is cool, I play a piece of me. 

When you look at Kethranmeer and D'alton, we're exploring how pleased I am by the fact that Jeremy and I are friends nowadays, rather than mere acquaintances, and how I guess I wish we were better friends. When you read about how Xein built Tesla's Boil and all of its beer stock, we're exploring my dreams and hopes of Eric achieving his dreams and hopes. When we wander through Kusseth and see the bureaucracy of it, we're experiencing my contempt for America's overblown government. When I talk about how Hekinoe has a lot of its genesis in a campaign Tony and I once planned to co-DM, you're really learning that Tony's friendship matters so much to me that the story I want to tell with this world takes a back seat to his thoughts and ideas. 

When we start talking about the Elder Races and how every nation admits there is no such thing as a creator god, we're adventuring in my beliefs about the universe and reality and aliens. When we talk of the Children of Volung and how they are so pragmatic and unwasteful that they eat their dead, you are experiencing my belief that human society is gluttonous and wasteful. When I play Aluenarelel, we are seeing the part of me that wishes he could just talk and talk and do things and not give a shit about any of the consequences. When I play someone like Laram, we're seeing the part of me that truly doesn't care about anything and just wants to watch the world burn. 

I dunno, blah blah blah. DnD is a very personal thing to me. It is a game yes, but it is a game played in my head and I probably pour a lot more into it than is healthy. Oh well, shit happens. I enjoy it. I guess that is what is most important, that I enjoy doing what I do. Still kind of bums me out that Heather didn't get it though. DnD is how I process the world around me, it is the lens through which I view reality. Christians get to tell stories of baby sacrifice, ghosts, and cannibalism and call it legit, why can't I use DnD as my means of establishing my philosophy and belief?

If you look on my Facebook info, you see my religion is Sinker and Bleaker. These are nicknames for the Doomguard and The Bleak Cabal factions of Planescape. The guiding ideals of these philosopher clubs are literally my philosophy on life. Everything that exists is in a constant state of breaking down and nothing matters. This is my philosophy on life and has been so intrinsic to my personality to the point that for many years I have wanted to get tattoos of the faction symbols somewhere on my body. DnD is how I established my personal beliefs and philosophy on life in general. DnD is the lens through which I see the universe. DnD is my religion. When I share my deeper thoughts on my campaign world with you, I am allowing you a glimpse into my personality, my philosophy, and my belief system, and fuck anyone that dares belittle that.


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